A conversation with my ex-husband, in retrospect.

Hot soup and coffee weather. Mmmmm.

“Love is taking away the feeling, the passion, the romance and you discover you still care for that person.” —Anon

This anonymous quote expresses my situation very well.  How I feel about my ex-husband.  I’ve been thinking about my conversation with D.  I’ve had a few days to process it.  We both talked a lot but there was a great deal we didn’t say.  If tears are words our hearts can’t express, then we both had heartfelt messages that we weren’t ready or able to say.  I won’t try to put words in his mouth, nor would I want him to do that to me.  But I could see that he was sending me a message when he stopped talking, took a deep breath, had tears in his eyes and seemed incapable of continuing.  I have  no doubt he regrets a lot of his actions over the past several years.  He said he did.  He understood how inadequate “I’m sorry” sounded.  In fact he told me it wasn’t enough but that he didn’t know what else to do.  And the truth is, I have wanted to hear those two little words for a long time.  Sometimes a little goes a long way.  I’ll take it.

I read somewhere that forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. I told him that I had forgiven him a long time ago.  And I did.  In the beginning I wanted him to feel some of the pain I was feeling.  But I haven’t felt that way in a long time.  I have no desire to see him hurting the way I did.  The thought of it makes me sad.

I don’t know what kind of relationship we will have in the future.  I think it is improved as a result of our long conversation last week.  I told him I wasn’t ready to be friends with his fiancée.  (I may never be.)  I told him it was probably because of the way he mishandled the situation early on.  He acknowledged that he had been insensitive.  Well, insensitive is my word but he got it.  For now, I feel better.  And I appreciate his effort.