Some lessons are harder to learn than others. Sometimes I think I’m a really slow learner. For example, when I learn to do something new on my computer or my cell phone, if I don’t repeat it in a few days time, I won’t remember how it’s done. I think that learning the lesson of forgiveness works the same way for me. It would be nice if I could simply say, “I forgive” and let it go and never have to revisit that issue again. I certainly always mean it when I say it. I think what happens to me is that the hurt is multilayered and has many facets. That means that just as I let one layer fly off on butterfly wings, another layer takes its place. Maybe the human mind is that way for a reason. Or maybe it’s just my mind that’s weird in that way. What I have begun to understand is that each new layer is sneaky. I may have to wrestle with it for days before I recognize what it is.
I don’t know how accurate my self-diagnosis is but I know I need to change my approach. I just noticed that I used the word “wrestle” in the paragraph above. I think that word might be key to my solution (my healing). Why am I wrestling? My new mantra will be something like this: “I’m relaxing into forgiveness today and every day.” I feel better already.
An addendum: I have written before about forgiving. I write about it in order to sort out how difficult it is for me to manage sometimes. I hope I don’t sound as if I am the only one who has something to forgive. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I won’t bother to list things I’ve done that I hope will put me on the receiving end of forgiveness. Such a list would depress me beyond repair.