“Salute her when her birthday comes.”

Bow down to her on Sunday                                                          Salute her when her birthday comes. ~ Bob Dylan

One year ago I wrote my first post for my spanking new blog.  I was so proud of myself that I wrote twice that day.  Writing journals in long hand no longer gave me what I needed.  I needed a voice.  From the moment D said he wanted a divorce and I had no hope of changing his mind, I had no voice, no choice.  My life was careening down hill, gaining speed and the brakes were stripped.  No matter how hard I pushed the pedal I couldn’t stop it.  And how I did push!

In acknowledging the conclusion of my first year here, I have been looking back at some of my earlier posts–a sort of retrospective introspection, I think.  When I started blogging I remember wishing and hoping to be totally honest about the facts and my emotions.  In other words I want to write for me, to help me first, and not for some unseen reader.   That last sentence isn’t meant to be harsh.  What I mean is that if I visualize some imagined audience or readership, then I might not be able to be honest.  I don’t want to address a post to anyone in particular.  (The post to A about the death of her mother is an exception.)  I want to write it out, whatever it is so that I can sort and prioritize and assimilate my own words and feelings.  If, in the process, my words can be helpful or amusing or occasionally interesting to a reader, then that’s a bonus and it makes me very happy.  Another bonus that I’ve discovered is receiving comments from many of you.  As a rookie, I had no idea how much I would look forward to your writing and your comments.  I now feel as if I have a whole world of blogger friends who support me and care about me as I do them.

I have averaged 2.5 posts a week and in the process have learned some things about myself.  I’m surprised at how often the same things keep coming up.  The alone/lonely debate arises fairly often.  I sometimes embrace my alone-ness and other times it doesn’t feel one bit embraceable.  I think that’s because I like people.  I get energy from interaction with others, especially in person.  Other times I like being alone.  I think that’s just life and not necessarily because I’m divorced.

I didn’t mean to make a ramble out of this post but I will add one thing that seems really significant.  I love and miss my NC mountains.  I am going to add this to the top of my priority list.  I need to be in the mountains in the summer.  My goal will be to arrange trips to the mountains more often in summers and autumns to come.  They are a vital part of me and I cannot, must not ignore this fact in the future.

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21 thoughts on ““Salute her when her birthday comes.”

  1. Judith, thanks for visiting. I look forward to checking out your blog, hopefully tomorrow.

    I would love to hear your take on living alone. That’s been the hardest part and at the same time the best part for me.

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  2. I found you through Counting Ducks and am reading you for the first time. . I am a newbie too having only started on March 1. But I am loving blogging and the people I meet in the blogosphere.
    I will go back to read some of your earlier posts. I have been on my own for 13 years since my husband died and I know just how difficult the early years are whether through death or divorce. They are both loss.

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  3. I want to write it out, whatever it is so that I can sort and prioritize and assimilate my own words and feelings.
    One of my blog entries currently in draft form addresses something so similar to this. This is what kept me writing in journals for so many years. I still do so by hand occasionally, but most of it is (sadly) online now.

    My son’s seen cartoon mountains, but I’m not sure he’s really noticed the actual mountains that border parts of Los Angeles when we’re driving. Yesterday, I did a Google images search for “mountains” and was just absolutely stunned by the results. My hometown is in a valley and so surrounded by some smallish mountains, but these images? Just breathtaking! I’ve long dreamed of majestic mountains–some of which I actually got to see when living in South Korea and Japan later–although I can’t figure out why, having had so little experience with them when I was little.

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    • Thanks, Deborah, for your comments and for reading. I’ve never been to Asia. I certainly would like to see Mt. Fuji. I understand it’s the most photographed mt. in the world. I’m going one day this week to see my “home” mountains. Hoping to see the Andes next spring.

      I hope you and that beautiful boy will visit some mountains soon. 🙂

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  4. Hey, happy blogging birthday!
    You also are an inspiration to me, seeing how far you’ve come and keeps me hoping that I will be there one day. Having you there, a few steps ahead is a bit like having a kind of virtual big sister letting you know you’ll come out fine in the end.
    Keep going!

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    • Thanks, Lady E. It certainly is a learning experience, isn’t it? We do come through in the end and I think maybe better than we were before. It doesn’t seem like it, though, when it’s all so raw and you’re working through the property division and in your case, custody. I try not to give advice as a rule except to say “Keep writing because it helps you to sort things out.”

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  5. As an addendum to the comment I made on the previous post and to your comments about going to the mountains.

    “Changes in latitude, changes in attitude” – Jimmy Buffet whether that latitude is to the beach or mountains. Still would love to have you anytime even though I know the mountains call you first.

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  6. I’m still a relaive newby by your standards, only having been here four and a bit months but your blog is one I check out every day and always enjoy. Congrats on making through the whole year. I hope you still enjoy it and I have enjoyed getting to know you a little. Too many enjoys in that sentence but it’s Sunday morning here so I’m going to let that bit go. Thankyou for not noticing . Ha Ha

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  7. Hi! This is somewhat spooky as last night I wrote a post – as yet unpublished – about my first year of real blogging!! Although I started mine a year ago last April I didn’t really commit to it until July/August last year!

    What is great is to be able to look back and see how far we’ve come. And you definitely have. You continue to be my inspiration as we walk ‘the same path’ albeit in different countries.

    Enjoy your mountains. I’m so glad I found your blog – or did you find mine – I can’t remember!!!

    Hugs

    Caroline
    xxx

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    • I think a year is a significant milestone for someone (me) who refused to write for years even though my muse was ordering me to do it. Were you that way, too?

      I don’t know who discovered whom. I’m just glad we did. Anyone who can made me laugh as often as you do is a gem worth keeping. Keep writing.

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  8. First of all congratulations on your one year blog. It must feel like a great accomplishment. And then to look back at those blogs and see how far you’ve come Must be an amazing feeling.

    Pat I really admire you for how far you’ve come. I remember when I first found your blog I commented much more often because you seemed much more lonely. You seemed to need more empathy, more support. But now when I read your blogs most days you seem to be so strong, and you leave me speechless. Seriously salute to you.

    I hope I can do that too one day. Right now it’s too hard for me to look back at my first blogs. I’m afraid that by doing that I’ll be opening pandora’s box. But one baby step at a time.

    You really are an inspiration Pat. Keep growing.
    Hugs

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    • Thank you, bye2.
      Sometimes I sound stronger than I feel. I’m trying to find an analogy that will make sense. You know how sports teams trash talk each other on the basketball court? They are trying to make each other insecure in the hope that they won’t play as well. Well I say all that in order to say that I try really hard not to trash talk myself. Not to allow myself negative self-talk. It’s taken me a while to learn that but it works.

      I think you’re doing well. Moving has cause you a little setback, I think, but you will work through that. And remember not to compare yourself to anyone else. I was already through my divorce before I started my blog. Reading your blog reminds me how much it hurt when I was at your stage and how much I’m improved. I thank you for that.

      Hang on and keep writing. Hugs.

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