One year ago I wrote my first post for my spanking new blog. I was so proud of myself that I wrote twice that day. Writing journals in long hand no longer gave me what I needed. I needed a voice. From the moment D said he wanted a divorce and I had no hope of changing his mind, I had no voice, no choice. My life was careening down hill, gaining speed and the brakes were stripped. No matter how hard I pushed the pedal I couldn’t stop it. And how I did push!
In acknowledging the conclusion of my first year here, I have been looking back at some of my earlier posts–a sort of retrospective introspection, I think. When I started blogging I remember wishing and hoping to be totally honest about the facts and my emotions. In other words I want to write for me, to help me first, and not for some unseen reader. That last sentence isn’t meant to be harsh. What I mean is that if I visualize some imagined audience or readership, then I might not be able to be honest. I don’t want to address a post to anyone in particular. (The post to A about the death of her mother is an exception.) I want to write it out, whatever it is so that I can sort and prioritize and assimilate my own words and feelings. If, in the process, my words can be helpful or amusing or occasionally interesting to a reader, then that’s a bonus and it makes me very happy. Another bonus that I’ve discovered is receiving comments from many of you. As a rookie, I had no idea how much I would look forward to your writing and your comments. I now feel as if I have a whole world of blogger friends who support me and care about me as I do them.
I have averaged 2.5 posts a week and in the process have learned some things about myself. I’m surprised at how often the same things keep coming up. The alone/lonely debate arises fairly often. I sometimes embrace my alone-ness and other times it doesn’t feel one bit embraceable. I think that’s because I like people. I get energy from interaction with others, especially in person. Other times I like being alone. I think that’s just life and not necessarily because I’m divorced.
I didn’t mean to make a ramble out of this post but I will add one thing that seems really significant. I love and miss my NC mountains. I am going to add this to the top of my priority list. I need to be in the mountains in the summer. My goal will be to arrange trips to the mountains more often in summers and autumns to come. They are a vital part of me and I cannot, must not ignore this fact in the future.