It’s good to be home. I returned yesterday from a week-long trip to Litchfield Beach, SC. It’s about a four-hour drive from here. I went with my dear friend L and her family. (We call each other BFF.) It was a family reunion for the family of L’s husband DR. I love the Maya Angelou quote above because it sums up my relationship with L’s family. Wherever I find myself, if I’m with them, I feel at home. I cannot imagine going on a family vacation with a family other than my own, except for this one. Wherever they are, they make room for me and they love me and take great care to make me welcome. I have known L for more than 30 years and she has always treated me this way. Now her whole family does, even her in-laws. I think they have redoubled their efforts in this regard since I’ve been alone. I wish there were words to express how much I appreciate them and their concern and caring for me. I love y’all. Y’all is southern for you, plural, just in case you don’t know.
The significance of home has changed dramatically for me in my divorced state. I’ve discovered that if I’m comfortable in my skin, I’m at home. It has taken a while to feel this way. I guess I have learned that it’s not about me; yet it is entirely about me. That sounds contradictory, I’m sure. I know that when I was younger I thought people were watching me and what I did and what I wore. I realize now that my ego was getting in the way. Most people are not doing that at all. They might be worrying about who’s looking at them. I don’t know. But I seriously doubt that they’re paying attention to me. And that’s what I mean when I say it is entirely about me. It has everything to do with my attitude and my self-confidence. I’m trying to be honest and self-effacing here not self-critical. I have spent too much of my life worrying that I didn’t measure up. I’m not sure I can explain it even to myself but now that there’s no man in my life I’m much more comfortable with me. I don’t think I have ever had a significant man in my life who affirmed me and helped me to feel good about myself. I’m not blaming it on them. I’m simply saying that I wanted some sort of affirmation from my dad, then my first husband, then D. They didn’t give me that. I assume they didn’t have it to give. I’m okay with it now but I wasn’t back when I lived with them. I’m wiser now. I am the one who has to make me feel good about myself.
I wish I could have moved this wisdom from my head to my heart a long time ago but I guess I wasn’t ready for the information. I’m glad I know it now. It’s better than never knowing.
I’m happy to be back. Thank you for reading.