No more facade.

“I have to learn to be myself again…That’s all.” ~ Doris Lessing

Ms. Lessing makes it sound simple.  It isn’t.  I’ve heard ” be yourself” all my life but I’m not sure I know what it means.  Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.”  I don’t think that’s my problem.  I’ve never met anyone I thought I wanted to be.  I knew someone once who tried hard to be someone else.  We were friends for a while but I had to let her go because she never seemed authentic to me.  In her defense, she had a great deal of childhood baggage and she never was able to accept and love herself.

So what about me?  I think I have difficulty being my authentic self and still being tactful enough for polite society.  What you see is what you get.  I’m pragmatic; I don’t sugarcoat.  I’m outspoken, often when I should shut up.  I’m opinionated; isn’t everybody?

I know I’m rediscovering myself now that I’m almost over “the divorce.”  And I like me okay most of the time.  I can see my shortcomings.  (See paragraph above.  That’s not all of them.)  I suppose I’ve always seen my shortcomings.  It goes with being a woman in this society.  I am more patient with me now than when I was younger.  I make more of an effort to be tactful without being dishonest.  I keep some of my opinions to myself these days.  I try to wait until someone asks.  I don’t always succeed.  But I recognize that not everyone wants to hear what I think.

I guess all of us put on facades for different situations.  That is probably considered “normal” to some extent.  But I’ve lately been examining the facades I put on for my ex.  I think my fear of abandonment controlled much of who I was with him.  I couldn’t be the real me that he fell in love with because I was growing and changing.  And I think I feared he didn’t like the real, new me.  Apparently I was right.  I’m happy to say right now (this moment in time) that I can thank him for leaving.  I wouldn’t have realized so much growth had he not gone.  So, thank you, D.  I wish you well.  Really.

Now I’m going to click “publish” before I change my mind.  🙂


10 thoughts on “No more facade.

  1. Thank you, Bye2. I hope it’s minus for you. You’re young and you weren’t in the relationship for 30+ years. I think you’re progressing well. It’s very interesting to think back to how you were when I first read your blog. You are coming along very nicely. Keep on truckin’ as we say here in the South.


  2. Wow Pat, this is such a hopeful post. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve come so far. And to know that it’s actually possible. I can’t wait till the day that not only have I forgiven, but that I can also be thankful for his mistakes, for this ordeal, for this change in my life. Plus minus four years huh?


  3. Wow this is huge to be able to say thank you for leaving. Really huge, good for you. And as always I think you are so right about being ‘ourselves’. Authenticity is a hard one and I know I have struggled, am struggling but it is the ultimate achievement I think. It was one of the things I loved most about my partner – she really was and is always herself. I think it is often what we love in other people because when they have a true sense of themselves they are a joy to be around. I do believe it is a process for everyone though and some of us get there sooner than others but as long as we are moving in the right direction….! Great post Pat.


  4. You can still be true to yourself – and keep you opinions to yourself – if that’s what you choose to do!! As you say it’s when we try to turn into someone we think the other person wants and then to live like that all the time that issues arrive as we are doing it from a position of fear. But and this is the problem I’m having , maybe we never gave them the chance to see the real us – because being true to your values removes the fear and so changes everything. And from that position you can grow together – you don’t have to grow apart.

    Have a good day


    • Here’s what I think, Caroline. I think I had started to be the real, grown-up me and he didn’t know how to deal with it. The woman he’s with now is needy and immature, even childish, from what my daughters have told me. If that’s what he likes to live with then he certainly doesn’t want me and I don’t want him.


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