I’ve been working on my rewrite, that’s right. I’m gonna change the ending. Gonna throw away my title and toss it in the trash. ~ Paul Simon
First, an aside: Paul Simon has released a new CD called So Beautiful or So What. Rewrite is one of the songs on it. If you’re a fan of his, you’re going to love this one.
The words to this song struck a chord with me. (Pun intended.) I think I’ve been working on my rewrite since D left me. All of us who are going through major life changes are rewriting what we thought would be the ending. I was in a comfortable situation with D and expected to live the rest of my life with him. In the blink of an eye on December 29, 2006, that all changed. His wish for a divorce and a life with another woman forced a rewrite. I had no desire for that kind of change and I resisted it with every ounce of energy in me.
I’ve always thought that change is, or can be, good. But I’ve preferred to have some say in what sort of change I would accept. Wasn’t I naive? Life isn’t like that. When I think about it, I have very little control over what happens to me. And there’s something freeing in acknowledging that lack of control. Life happened while I was trying to micromanage it. Wonder of wonders, I’m happy with that now. Learning to accept the things I cannot change is a lesson I might not have been able to truly grasp had I not suffered through an unwanted divorce.
I’ve heard people say they wouldn’t have chosen to go through this or that pain but now that it’s over, they are grateful for it. There was a time when I thought that was wacky thinking. I don’t think that any longer. In fact, I have reached a level in my life where I can say the same thing most of the time. I still have down days but most of them are happy and many are even joyful. Much better than the last couple of years of my marriage.
So I’m still working on my rewrite, the ending continues to change and I’ll let you know when I figure out the new title. I’ve already thrown the old one in the trash.
Back On My Own 
Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. – John Lennon
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Thanks. I didn’t remember that it was John Lennon who said that.
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Absolutely beautiful!
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Thanks, Brendita. Are you retired yet. I have a gift card from Starbucks. When are we going for coffee?
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Hi,
I hope that someday I will be able to say this back rewrite was worth it. I am still trying to accept the things I can’t change. I can’t change my pain and everyday I tell myself, I will control the pain, I will not let it control me! But the last couple of days have been hard. I don’t know how to accept this. I don’t know if I am strong enough to accept that this is the way it is and none of it is my fault.
You have given me hope. Maybe I will be grateful for my pain someday, some distant day.
Best,
xo-S.
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Hi S,
I think about you often. I think it’s because I have a granddaughter who is your age. I love her so much and I find myself thinking about how difficult it would be to see her in the kind of pain you’re enduring. What is your prognosis in terms of the pain? I can only imagine what it’s like to try to kill the pain with drugs while at the same time trying not to overdo the drugs. I have great admiration for your determination and your walks and your photography. I would like to make you well but since I can’t do that, I will leave you with all the hope that I have for you. Keep your eyes on the prize. One day you’ll grasp that brass ring that seems so elusive today. I’m pulling for you big time.
xoxoxo, Pat
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Hi Pat,
Wow! You made me feel so good! It is so incredible of you to think of me.
In terms of pain, the worst of it is in my left leg. Before the surgery, after ten months of this burning hot line of excruciating pain going down the back of my left leg, I lost all the feeling down the left S1 nerve pathway. (basically a line of numbness going through my butt, down the back of my thigh and calf, the side of my foot and my baby toe. Because my nerve had been starved for so long, I also had weakness in my left leg.) Now I am back to pain all the way down my leg as my nerve is ‘waking up’ again. The pain is a good thing because it means I will eventually (hopefully!) get that leg back to normal. However, it is excruciating pain again and disheartening because I had expectations that I see now as unrealistic.
The pain meds are one of my main problems. I don’t like the way it feels. I can’t think clearly and it seems like they make me see everything through a haze of greyness. You are right in implying it is a very touchy balancing act to get the pain meds versus pain control in good proportions. I keep trying to pull back on my daytime pain meds but then I don’t get the pain under control for the night and consequently am lucky to get a solid four hours.
I can’t thank you enough for your concern. I really appreciate it. Thank you for you encouaging words and thoughts as well. It makes me happy to know that someone is thinking about me. But it also makes me feel a bit guillty. I don’t want to put any of my pain on you. I don’t want you to feel anything akin to badness just because you are thinking about me. I can’t really explain, I just don’t feel like I deserve the thoughts, maybe?? Anyways, from the bottom of my heart, thankyou.
There will be a new post tomorrow and I will also reply to your other message! Thanks for checking up on me!
I hope you are having a spectacular day!! 😀
Best,
xoxo- S.
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I so agree with you. The pain for me is still real and the down days tough. But I stick with what I said back in November. Despite all the horror and pain – I’ve discovered something in me that I didn’t realise was there and for that, and that alone, I wouldn’t have missed what I’ve been through / going through for the world.
I will check out the CD too. And for your insights.
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It’s a good feeling, isn’t it, to realize we’re tougher than we thought.
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Oh I so get this. It’s like we are left standing with a familiar map that bears no relation to where we are, have been or are going. I am so glad you now feel differently about what has happened and can see your way clearer now. For me I still haven’t reached that part where I actually feel grateful and if I’m really honest I still feel I never will BUT I do know that things needed to change and for that I may be grateful. After my divorce it was said to me that it is very common to begin to notice the cracks that were there for a long time and that things rarely, if ever happen fast. Rather, if we are the ones that feel we are being left our perception is just different. My perception now is definitely different from my ex partner but even here I am beginning to enjoy the ‘rewrite’. And I will defo check out the new Paul Simon – thanks for that 🙂
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Thanks for your comments, Penny. I know so very well how you feel. Life is a big muddle of a mess for so long. I think writing pages and pages of journals helped as much anything. It helped me to figure out what my emotions were. At first I didn’t even know that. I would write as fast as my hands would let me. I would get up in the middle of the night and write when I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes I would write at midnight and then again at 3 am. Writing and a nice hot cup of coffee were the only things that could comfort me.
I’m happy to see you writing regularly.
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