Change, when forced upon me, feels like a foe, a curse and a dusk. Well, that’s how it feels at first. And it is all those things. When I first found out I would be divorced against my will, I had a hard time imagining my future. My dream of growing old with my husband was erased.
An interesting thing, though–it was change itself which forced the change that I thought I didn’t want. I must admit that I had considered divorcing him because of all the changes. He obviously wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy and I told myself it was because he was so depressed and unhappy. I realize now that neither of us had that kind of power over the other. I believe that all of us continue to grow (hopefully) and when it’s a married couple you either grow together or apart. There were lots of times I felt as if we were parallel to each other. But I thought we would eventually merge again. As I said above, I had thought about the possibility of divorcing him. There were many times when I got tired of wondering what would make him happy. But I loved him and I said “for better or for worse.” I had made a commitment and I would honor it.
Now, here’s the part I don’t like to admit but if I’m going to be honest with myself, I must. When he told me he wanted a divorce and I was trying to assimilate the information, I became enraged at him for daring to do what I had thought of doing and decided not to do. Is there any logic in that? I don’t know. My excuse is that everything was raw at that point. I worried about everything. How would I get along without my almost 35-year companion? Was there enough money to sustain both of us? Where would I live? When would the pain stop? When would I ever sleep again? If you’ve been there, you know all the questions. And at one time or another I had all of them.
My conclusion about change is that it’s whatever I choose to make it. Being bitter and cynical would have caused me to get stuck, unable to grow. From the beginning I knew I didn’t want that. But it took a while for me to be ready to forgive and get on with it. I have a forgiving nature and I’m glad about that. I’m starting to bloom again like the azalea at the top of the page. One day maybe I’ll look like the one below.