“Change, like sunshine, can be a friend or a foe, a blessing or a curse, a dawn or a dusk.” ~ William Arthur Ward
Change, when forced upon me, feels like a foe, a curse and a dusk. Well, that’s how it feels at first. And it is all those things. When I first found out I would be divorced against my will, I had a hard time imagining my future. My dream of growing old with my husband was erased.
An interesting thing, though–it was change itself which forced the change that I thought I didn’t want. I must admit that I had considered divorcing him because of all the changes. He obviously wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy and I told myself it was because he was so depressed and unhappy. I realize now that neither of us had that kind of power over the other. I believe that all of us continue to grow (hopefully) and when it’s a married couple you either grow together or apart. There were lots of times I felt as if we were parallel to each other. But I thought we would eventually merge again. As I said above, I had thought about the possibility of divorcing him. There were many times when I got tired of wondering what would make him happy. But I loved him and I said “for better or for worse.” I had made a commitment and I would honor it.
Now, here’s the part I don’t like to admit but if I’m going to be honest with myself, I must. When he told me he wanted a divorce and I was trying to assimilate the information, I became enraged at him for daring to do what I had thought of doing and decided not to do. Is there any logic in that? I don’t know. My excuse is that everything was raw at that point. I worried about everything. How would I get along without my almost 35-year companion? Was there enough money to sustain both of us? Where would I live? When would the pain stop? When would I ever sleep again? If you’ve been there, you know all the questions. And at one time or another I had all of them.
My conclusion about change is that it’s whatever I choose to make it. Being bitter and cynical would have caused me to get stuck, unable to grow. From the beginning I knew I didn’t want that. But it took a while for me to be ready to forgive and get on with it. I have a forgiving nature and I’m glad about that. I’m starting to bloom again like the azalea at the top of the page. One day maybe I’ll look like the one below.
Dressed for the prom.
Back On My Own 
Dear beautiful azelea, what another great post. And I think you are right – change is whatever we choose to make it, not always obvious when we are in the middle of it. Sometimes it’s only when looking back we can see how much we have bloomed!
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Thanks, Penny. It is helpful to compare where we are today to where we were a year ago or a few months. Since our progress is so up and down, it’s important, I think, to go back far enough to see it. If I look at yesterday or last week, the view might not be very positive.
Keep writing. It has helped me a great deal. i think you’ll find it helps you to sort through your feelings and make sense of where you are and where you’re going.
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You will and you are doing so well. You are truly an inspiration. I’ve been through (am going through) all the same emotions. I even remember thinking years ago before a split was even on the horizon (or so I thought) do I want to be with this person for the rest of my life. I too was enraged when he got the idea to go…. !! But then maybe it’s only when we lose something that we truly appreciate what we had. Who knows!!
We are where we are and the only route out is up!!!
Hugs to you and keep writing!
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Thanks, Caroline. I’m happy if I can offer you even a spark of hope. And interestingly enough, it’s good for me to read your blog and remember where I’ve been. It’s so important to have someone who understands these wild emotions we go through. And I can see that you do. Take care and you keep writing, too.
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