“… freedom to choose.” ~ Thornton Wilder

Carolina jessamine.

“The more decisions you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose.” ~ Thornton Wilder

I have this meandering vine growing in my back yard.  I don’t recall blossoms on it in previous years.  This is my third spring here.  My daughter who is also my plant expert has identified it as Carolina jessamine.  It has a soothing sweet fragrance and as you can see its color matches my dandelions.  I love it.  I wonder why it chose to bloom this year and not the past two.  Daughter # 1 could probably answer that for me, too.  Maybe it’s been taking in whatever it needs in order to once again show the world its stuff.  Like me.

(Pause for a little research.)

It blooms best in full sun and with plenty of water.  Mine is in partial shade and we had several months of drought the past couple of years.  It was stressed.  Like me.  Unlike me, it can’t decide when it’s going to bloom.  Come to think of it, it’s not so unlike me.  For the better part of the past four plus years I haven’t been able to decide to bloom either.  But now I can.  Did I decide to or did it just happen?  A little of both, I think.

There was a time when I felt too wounded to make decisions, yet make them I did because I had  no choice.  I was forced to make decisions just as I was forced to get a divorce and live alone.  I can’t imagine not having the freedom that I have now–to choose or not to choose.  I like it.

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4 thoughts on ““… freedom to choose.” ~ Thornton Wilder

  1. I think being blindsided has to be the worst part of dealing with your “forced change”. It’s like you live your life in such a way, doing the “right things” and the payoff isn’t what you expected. It must be like putting money in a retirement fund for years and years….and having it vanish over something beyond your control. You have shown very little anger, I’ve noticed, as I read your back posts. It becomes less about losing a “perfect” relationship, but rather the feeling of being “ripped off” after so many years of doing the time and investing in the future, only to have it taken away without your input. You and your girls were a “package deal” when you met and married D. I understand that you and D raised them together, but I would guess there is a part of you that it angry that he still got to “keep” them. Anyway, just my thoughts as I read your story. I know I said it before, but it really is obvious that you are a caring and fair person. I think you are beginning to see and believe that D’s new life isn’t quite what you imagined it was and would be when he left. Not that you would wish him misery, but the reality of the way the chips landed, isn’t so bad either.
    My husband is away for the entire week on business and it’s been so wonderful to have this time to myself. The weather is changing and I am enjoying doing the things I want to do. When my dad died 7 years ago, my mom was so lost and lonely. Now she tells me that she is enjoying her “freedom”, forced as it was. She likes not having to answer to anybody, coming and going as she pleases, not cooking, etc. She still feels that weekends are tough because of lonliness.
    This may be the first spring in a few years that you really sense a change and a new beginning, and a feeling of hope, that you are truly moving past the pain.
    Sorry for rambling…… Keep writing!
    MK

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    • MK,

      Thanks for your ‘ramble’ as you call it. You have me pretty well summed up. You sound like you know me personally. All I can say is: It’s a good thing I wrote only in my personal journals that first year. I went back and forth between angry and miserably sad. I wasn’t so angry that he got to “keep” my family but that he was taking his other woman to all their functions. He has recently apologized for that. I am a caring person and I believe in fairness and all I could think about at first was how unfairly I was being treated. But I could wallow only so long. I had to get moving.

      I’m also a forgiving person, thankfully. Now I feel sad for him. Things are not going well for him now. It’s all so sad.

      Thanks again for your comments.

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  2. Brilliant. You bloom away and flower when you want! And grow in whatever direction you choose when you choose it.

    What a lovely uplifting post. Thank you for writing it!

    xx

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