“I can look reality right in the eye and ignore it. –Garrison Keillor
The white-bellied caique is a type of Amazon parrot. Ozzy is a re-homed bird who lives now with my friends DR and L. I called him my friend in the title of this piece but the truth is: He hasn’t chosen me to be his friend. Parrots choose whom they will like. Dogs will love whoever feeds and cares for them and will quickly become that person’s best friend and companion. Not so with birds. Ozzy, as I said, lives with DR and L. He chooses DR and tolerates L even though L is a primary care-giver. And he tolerates me. One night when I whistled as I worked, he looked up at me and whistled back. Will he choose me one day? Probably not. But it’s okay. I still like to look at him. He’s beautiful. And if he ever does choose me, I bet he will be forever faithful.
I thought that was the case with D. I thought he would be my lifelong companion and best friend. The frustration, confusion and pain I felt when he walked out on our marriage and relationship of 30+ years is still incomprehensible and painful today. Why was I chosen one day and not the next? And why on earth have I looked this reality in the eye for four years and so often ignored it? I find it amazingly stupid of me to still have days, like today, when I would like to ignore it. I think it’s called loneliness. Fortunately, it doesn’t get to me very often anymore. More often than not, I accept my reality and even like it. In my weaker moments I still miss him.
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I understand completely. Why is it that some days we find we are OK and others totally not. That feeling that the whole thing is some sort of nightmare and we will wake up and all will be well. What made our errant husbands decide to ‘run’. Who knows – only they do and maybe they actually don’t!
Hugs to you and I hope today is better. The sun is shining here (for once). I hope it is with you – in every way.
Awww…I do love that little sucker, even if he likes David best.