The most difficult thing in my life some days is to stay in the present. There is a big difference between making plans and goals for the future and living in the future rather than living here and now. Even as I’m making plans, I must keep in mind that often my plans change and so I will enjoy the planning whether or not I ever get to execute my plans. It sounds simple enough. I can think this through, write it down, and yet it is still difficult to get it from my head and into a way of being, a way of living my life.
Actually, when I go back and read that paragraph, it doesn’t sound so simple after all. It sounds complicated. I remember one day years ago I called my daughter and asked her what she was doing. Her response: “Oh, you know. Just getting ready for life.” We both laughed. We both knew then as we do now that this is life. Today. Now. I try not to look back on my life with regret. But sometimes I wonder how much more I might have accomplished if I had spent more time living each today instead of looking forward and backward so much.
So, what now? I am happy to say that I’m not looking back at my failed marriage very much these days. As many of you know, it’s an on-again, off-again thing. I’m having more and more off days lately. I don’t feel angry at my ex. I don’t feel angry at the OW. At least not at the moment. When I venture a look back nowadays, I feel sad, some days more so than others. I think that will always be so. And I think it’s normal for this abnormal situation I live with. In fact, this abnormal life is becoming ever more normal every day.