I bought this little picture a long time before D told me he wanted a divorce. It was how I felt at the time. That means, of course, that I realized something in my life was out of kilter. In fact, even though I didn’t acknowledge it readily, I knew that he and I had some problems in our marriage. And we couldn’t seem to talk about them. What I didn’t understand speaks volumes. Because he had a history of depression, I blamed any and all problems on that. It’s gets really hard to separate the problem from the depression. Was he depressed because of the problem(s) or did the depression bring on the problem? I will never know that for sure. I doubt that he knows. I believed at the time that he hit a midlife crisis in his late forties and was never able to climb out of the abyss. I still believe that today.
So how do I put me back together? That’s what I’m left to deal with. If I use the jigsaw puzzle analogy as I started out to do, I could get frustrated. What do I do now with the puzzle pieces that no longer fit the old mold? My self-esteem was severely eroded. That piece might work again now that I’ve made good progress toward building it back. I don’t think it’s shaped exactly the same, though. And what about the piece of me that was half a couple? That piece doesn’t even resemble the shape of the old piece. And the new independent me doesn’t have any interest in relying on someone else to pay the bills. This independent piece of me wouldn’t mind having input on major decisions but I certainly can make them on my own when I need to. Right now I need to and so I do.
So much about me is altered beyond recognition. I guess what I hear myself saying is that I have to take the pieces as they are now and create a whole new picture. My job is to try to make it a happier, more beautiful picture than ever before.