I haven’t written for a few days. I apologize to you and to myself for not doing so. I haven’t been sleeping well. When I don’t sleep well, I don’t do anything well.
I have been thinking for a while about the “points of no return” in the separation/divorce procedure. They haven’t been for me the big moments like the day we signed separation papers. They have been smaller, heart-breaking moments.
One month after D told me he wanted a divorce, we had to have our wonderful chocolate Labrador put down. Sam had nasal tumors and was bleeding profusely. The veterinarians had done all they could. I asked D if he would go with us to the vet’s. He did. I held Sam’s sweet face in my hands while he received the fatal injection. When he breathed his last I turned and looked at D through the blur of tears streaming down my face. I desperately needed a hug and I suspect he did, too. When I leaned toward him he just stood there. No reaction. No response. Nothing. Then the vet reached for me, gave me a hug and told me how sorry he was. I know D must have been as traumatized as I was so why couldn’t we comfort each other? I don’t torture myself with this memory very often but I do now consider it a defining moment.
Another small moment came some weeks before my mother died. She was in palliative care and we thought she wasn’t long for this world. We had her house mostly cleaned out and ready to sell. I wanted to take her kitchen table and chairs to my youngest daughter. It seemed like a no-brainer. D has a truck. I asked him if he would go get the furniture and take it to S. Granted, it was out-of-town but D traveled for a living. He agreed that he could probably drop by some time when he was in the vicinity. He remained vague about it, though, and I realized he had no intention of doing that favor for me. And it’s not as if I had been in a habit of asking him to do for me. I had been decidedly independent since he left. Lesson learned: Never expect him to do anything for you ever again! Another defining moment.
It’s been a very dreary day in NC. Lots of rain. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking dreary thoughts. It helps to write them down, though. I know I analyze too much at times. But I think it’s interesting to look back and realize now what I couldn’t grasp earlier–that there were many signs along the way and he wasn’t going to want me back. Despite the rainy weather I don’t feel depressed or dreary. A little sleepy maybe. Here’s hoping for good rest tonight.
And this saga will continue later.