I haven’t written for a few days. I apologize to you and to myself for not doing so. I haven’t been sleeping well. When I don’t sleep well, I don’t do anything well.
I have been thinking for a while about the “points of no return” in the separation/divorce procedure. They haven’t been for me the big moments like the day we signed separation papers. They have been smaller, heart-breaking moments.
One month after D told me he wanted a divorce, we had to have our wonderful chocolate Labrador put down. Sam had nasal tumors and was bleeding profusely. The veterinarians had done all they could. I asked D if he would go with us to the vet’s. He did. I held Sam’s sweet face in my hands while he received the fatal injection. When he breathed his last I turned and looked at D through the blur of tears streaming down my face. I desperately needed a hug and I suspect he did, too. When I leaned toward him he just stood there. No reaction. No response. Nothing. Then the vet reached for me, gave me a hug and told me how sorry he was. I know D must have been as traumatized as I was so why couldn’t we comfort each other? I don’t torture myself with this memory very often but I do now consider it a defining moment.
Another small moment came some weeks before my mother died. She was in palliative care and we thought she wasn’t long for this world. We had her house mostly cleaned out and ready to sell. I wanted to take her kitchen table and chairs to my youngest daughter. It seemed like a no-brainer. D has a truck. I asked him if he would go get the furniture and take it to S. Granted, it was out-of-town but D traveled for a living. He agreed that he could probably drop by some time when he was in the vicinity. He remained vague about it, though, and I realized he had no intention of doing that favor for me. And it’s not as if I had been in a habit of asking him to do for me. I had been decidedly independent since he left. Lesson learned: Never expect him to do anything for you ever again! Another defining moment.
It’s been a very dreary day in NC. Lots of rain. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking dreary thoughts. It helps to write them down, though. I know I analyze too much at times. But I think it’s interesting to look back and realize now what I couldn’t grasp earlier–that there were many signs along the way and he wasn’t going to want me back. Despite the rainy weather I don’t feel depressed or dreary. A little sleepy maybe. Here’s hoping for good rest tonight.
And this saga will continue later.
Back On My Own 
I don’t know if its the weather, or just that I’m also emotional today…but your post made me cry. I feel for you. I feel for me.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how much I’ve grown, learned, and changed from my husband’s affair, and our separation. But it led me to think, well if I learned maybe he did too?! Maybe he changed for the better. Could we, do we still have a chance?
And then reading your post with those thoughts in my head…made me think not of the “points of no return” that have already happened, but of those to come. Just thinking about signing those papers make me teary-eyed. It feels like this pain is never ending.
I hope you sleep well tonight. And hopefully when the sun comes out again, we will all be in a better, fresher mood. X
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When I wrote this post I was feeling nostalgic about D. I had a granddaughter birthday dinner which he also attended (without his girlfriend). When I came home and I was settling down in our king-size bed alone, I was missing him again. I made myself go back to those scenes and feel them again so I wouldn’t let myself forget how badly he treated me. And the more distance I get from such incidents, the less sad they make me. I guess that is to say that I’m able to feel more objective thus less vulnerable to things that are not good for me.
Hang in there. It gets better.
Hugs. Pat
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Big hugs from me to you. Reading your blog is like reading about my own life. Alex has behaved the same way to me in so many similar situations. It’s as though they close down all their emotions when dealing with us. Perhaps it really is true – men can’t multi-task! And to them multi-tasking is showing emotion and care to more than one person in their lives at once! It’s just a thought!
I am with you on the no sleeping and ending up in the ‘negative zone’. Blogging helps I find. I write a lot in the middle of the night!
So – as my poor (I don’t think so!) suffering Life/Relationship Coach keeps reminding me – focus on positive questions like “What can I do to free my thoughts so I am fulfilled” rather than the Why ones.
It is true – what we focus on is what we get more of. So by focusing on the pain then more pain happens. Focusing on pleasure lifts the spirits. I just wish it wasn’t so damn difficult!! As I am sure you do too!
So lots of hugs to you and I hope you have slept and the rain has stopped and the sun is about to shine – in every way possible.
Take care
Hugs
Caroline
xxxxx
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Hi Caroline,
Our exes sound a lot alike, don’t they. It was something you said that helped me to write this post. Alex was supposed to help you with your router or something like that and you had to do it yourself. So typical of D, too. Also as I was explaining to another writer, I was feeling vulnerable and missing D again. When that happens to me, I try to examine myself and all that’s happened and I ask myself, “Do I really want him back?” And I remind myself that the answer is probably “no.”
Keep writing. It encourages me to be positive when I read your posts.
Hugs to you.
Pat
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