Take a deep breath.

Look at something beautiful.  Take a deep breath.  Try not to hyperventilate.

I have done an awful lot of deep breathing in the last few years.  It’s a good strategy for me when I become stressed.  I keep thinking (and hoping) that I’m beyond being stressed by my relationship with my ex.  But just when I start to get comfortable with who I am and where I am, something comes along to remind me that “it ain’t over till it’s over.”  Last week I received an e-mail from D informing me that he is getting married.  He didn’t say when and I didn’t ask.  I can’t explain why but I felt, once again, as if he had kicked me in the gut.  All I could think of was that this is the divorce from hell and it’s never going to end.  It doesn’t help that he still owes me money.

I could guess “till the cows come home” as to why he’s marrying this woman he’s had a long-term affair with.  He told me that he and his counselor had figured out that he was “not the marrying type.”  I know it’s a bit of insanity to even try to guess but some things just pop into my mind.  So crazy or not, here goes:

  1. Because he’s chronically ill, he needs her insurance.
  2. She’s gainfully employed and probably makes more than he does now.
  3. The bank is about to foreclose on our mountain house which is now in his name only.
  4. He may have to declare bankruptcy and he wants to include her.
  5. The real estate agent says that raccoons are using the decks for a bathroom and D wants her to clean it up.
  6. He thinks if he marries her she’ll learn to cook since he can’t.
  7. Sadly, he’s afraid of being alone.
  8. Maybe he loves her.

Okay.  I know that numbers 1-6 are snide and mean and I thought I had moved beyond that.  But today I feel entitled because I’ve allowed him to disrupt my life again.   I hope it’s none of those. But since I know him so well, I fear that at least a part of the reason is 7.  In my heart of hearts I hope it’s number 8 because I wish him no harm.  I wish him well.

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