I have done an awful lot of deep breathing in the last few years. It’s a good strategy for me when I become stressed. I keep thinking (and hoping) that I’m beyond being stressed by my relationship with my ex. But just when I start to get comfortable with who I am and where I am, something comes along to remind me that “it ain’t over till it’s over.” Last week I received an e-mail from D informing me that he is getting married. He didn’t say when and I didn’t ask. I can’t explain why but I felt, once again, as if he had kicked me in the gut. All I could think of was that this is the divorce from hell and it’s never going to end. It doesn’t help that he still owes me money.
I could guess “till the cows come home” as to why he’s marrying this woman he’s had a long-term affair with. He told me that he and his counselor had figured out that he was “not the marrying type.” I know it’s a bit of insanity to even try to guess but some things just pop into my mind. So crazy or not, here goes:
- Because he’s chronically ill, he needs her insurance.
- She’s gainfully employed and probably makes more than he does now.
- The bank is about to foreclose on our mountain house which is now in his name only.
- He may have to declare bankruptcy and he wants to include her.
- The real estate agent says that raccoons are using the decks for a bathroom and D wants her to clean it up.
- He thinks if he marries her she’ll learn to cook since he can’t.
- Sadly, he’s afraid of being alone.
- Maybe he loves her.
Okay. I know that numbers 1-6 are snide and mean and I thought I had moved beyond that. But today I feel entitled because I’ve allowed him to disrupt my life again. I hope it’s none of those. But since I know him so well, I fear that at least a part of the reason is 7. In my heart of hearts I hope it’s number 8 because I wish him no harm. I wish him well.