I am learning more and more to appreciate the years of good times we had together instead of mourning eternally over the death of the marriage. I couldn’t do that at first. When I thought of what fun we’d had through the years I could only cry over the loss. I would wonder what I had done. What could I have done that I didn’t do. What did I do that I shouldn’t have done? Am I ugly? Am I old? Am I boring? Am I dumb? The rejection was devastating. I had a counselor recently whose husband died about the same time D divorced me. She told me one day that she was lucky because her husband died. She was referring to the fact that she didn’t have to deal with the rejection. I don’t wish D any harm. I’m glad he didn’t die. I have to admit, though, that when she said that I thought about what it would be like to live without the pain of being dumped for another woman and to have all the assets. Not a bad deal.
D and I took lots of wonderful trips together: Seattle, Mt. Ranier, Alaska, Idaho, New Mexico, Nova Scotia, Maine, Jackson Hole, Montana, Yellowstone and so many more. We camped in the Smokeys often because we live in NC. We loved camping. I miss the travel but I’m glad we had those experiences. I remember them fondly because we were “two peas in a pod.” We traveled well with each other. We could talk or not. I would sing and he would laugh at me. Thankfully, he didn’t sing. We joked about his singing too.
D showered me with gifts. His favorites (and mine) were jewelry and flowers, especially roses. No occasion was forgotten. I was the envy of many other women. Where did I find this man they wanted to know. I don’t know exactly when I started to take it for granted but I’m sure I did. And as he started to spend more and more time away from home I started to believe that he was substituting gifts for time he might have spent with me. I remember telling him that I wanted him and time with him, not flowers.
Do I feel a twinge of sadness as I dredge all this up? Yes. A little. But it doesn’t overwhelm me now. I can truthfully say that I’m glad we had what we had while we had it. And I wish him happiness, health and prosperity. (I really do, most of the time.)