You clear out a closet and you listen to a clock
Wipe off the table and you pick up a sock
Then you put up your feet and you stand on your head
You hate what you did and regret what you said
Then you gaze at a snapshot, you wait for the tone
Talk to yourself, yeah, you’re living alone.
–Loudon Wainwright III from his CD Last Man on Earth
If you aren’t familiar with Loudon Wainwright’s music, check it out! I love it.
For the most part I have grown accustomed to living alone. There are many reasons to enjoy it. I can do as I please. I don’t have to hurry home when I go somewhere. I don’t have to advise anyone of my whereabouts. I don’t cook if I don’t want to. My dad lived alone the last few years of his life. He told me one time that he sometimes got lonely but that it was really nice to get up at 3:00 am if he felt like it and not have to worry about disturbing anyone. I have plenty of time for things I enjoy–reading, quilting, crocheting, gardening (when it isn’t too hot), visiting grandchildren. I take the time to find beauty all around me. I no longer waste time waiting for a husband who was almost always late.
What’s interesting to me is that many of the reasons for enjoying living alone are the very same ones that make me feel lonely sometimes. Weekends are hardest for me. When D and I were living together he traveled during the week but he always came home on Friday. Knowing that no one is coming home makes me sad. I’m relieved that I don’t have to cook a meal for a diabetic and at the same time sad that I don’t have him to cook for. I find that most of my friends are simply not available on Fridays and Saturdays. Neither are most family members. Soccer season starts soon. Then I’ll gather at the field and see my 12-year-old granddaughter play and will visit with the rest of the family while there. Those are fun times. I do have great Sunday evenings. My dearest friend and her husband and family have me over for dinner. A standing invitation with people I love and who love me, too, just as I am.
I would be interested in hearing what other people in my situation do. I know that I am responsible for my entertainment and my happiness. But some weekends I hit a wall. And that’s how I feel tonight.
Back On My Own 
Hi DJ. Thank you for reading. It’s been a long time since I wrote this post. As I reread it I realized how little has changed for me regarding being lonely. I couldn’t sleep last night and actually googled “lonely.” I’ll probably write a post about it. Maybe today. I know that I’m doing much better than I was in August, 2010, but sometimes the loneliness hits unexpectedly and with a vengeance.
I wish you could know with certainty what’s best for your future happiness, but life usually doesn’t make anything crystal clear. I do know that all your options are tainted because of the pain of having a spouse who cheated. I don’t really have appropriate words to express how much I hope you will soon find the answers you need. Hang on.
LikeLike
Hi Pat,
I have started at the beginning of your blog and am reading it through. It is such a coincidence that you wrote this post on my wedding anniversary – the last one before I found out about my husband’s affair.
Sometimes when things are going very badly, I daydream about living alone, with the freedom to do as I please. Would I be better off? It’s so hard to work through this. I still don’t know.
DJ
LikeLike