You want a what?!

I am a divorced grandmother.  Something I never expected I would be.  I am writing about it in the hope that I can offer support and encouragement to others who are on the same journey.  It’s a rocky road.  Especially if you are an unwilling participant as I was.  Many friends and acquaintances told me that time would ease the pain.  Oh, how I hated to hear that.  But it’s true.  In the course of almost four years now I have gone from victim to accepting and more recently to happy (well, most of the time).  I encourage you to drop the “victim cloak” as soon as possible.  It holds you back.  Now that I can look back, I’m grateful that I got very angry and was able to use the anger constructively.  It gave me energy to get a lawyer and to do the research I needed to protect myself and my share of the assets.  I will talk more about that another day.  But first, I’ll tell you some of my story.

On December 29, 2006, my husband D and I had just finished dinner.  I thought he had somewhere to go and I was expecting him to tell me that he was leaving.  Instead he sat down on the couch and “out of the blue” told me he wanted a divorce.  At the time we had been married for 29 years.  He had a history of depression and had been pretty remote for some time.  I thought he surely didn’t mean it.  That he was just depressed.  I asked him, “Are you sure about this?”  He told me that he was “pretty sure.”  Pretty sure?  I told him I thought we should think about it a bit.  I didn’t want to believe that he really wanted to divorce me.  Our youngest daughter S had recently divorced.  I reminded him that her three children were still confused and unsettled.  What would they think if their grandparents divorced as well.  I said to him, “Please, D, don’t do this to our family right now.”  He seemed a little unsure of himself and muttered something like, “the children will be fine.”

I asked D whether he had another woman.  He answered and I’m quoting exactly because I remember it clearly,  “Oh, hell no.  That’s the last thing I want.  I just don’t want to be married any longer.”  I wanted to believe him.  Unfortunately, I have a number of girlfriends who have divorced under very similar circumstances.  All of their husbands were about the same age as D and every single one of them “just didn’t want to be married any longer.”  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I don’t want to be married is code for I have another woman. And he did.

I will talk later about how I found out and how I reacted.  Some of it I handled well enough.  Some of it wasn’t pretty.

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2 thoughts on “You want a what?!

  1. Wow! And welcome, Uta, to my blog. I can’t believe you read the whole thing. I’m looking forward to “getting acquainted” this evening over a cup of tea. I’m having a busy day but will settle in and catch up with blogland before I retire for the night.Thank you for reading and for your comments. Sometimes I just get so lonely and it helps to know that someone cares what I have to say. Living alone is still hard for me as you might have guessed.

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  2. Hi Pat!
    I worked my way back to this post which I believe is possibly your first entry. Somehow I had the feeling I should begin reading your entries right from the start. I can see now this was the right thing to do. What you write here I find so very interesting. Not because I am divorced (I’ve been married for 55 years!) but because I want to find out what made my husband stay in the marriage and why some men – and any number of women too – just want to have a change. I am looking forward to reading more about what you have to say on the subject and what your reactions were like. in coping with the situation.
    I’ve been posting since the middle of this year. I seem to not post often enough. Quite often I get distracted by readding lots of different posts. I find it’s possible to meet very interesting people out there in blogger-world!
    Cheerio.
    Uta

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